My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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