The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
