I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
