I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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