Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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