last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Boobs speak an international language.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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