Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
