My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
