a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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