He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize