Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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