Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
