but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
