dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
