So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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