He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
