I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
