Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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