it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
