So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
