My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
