She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
