Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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