we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
