I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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