When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
