yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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