I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
