so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So vagazzling was a success
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
