well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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