Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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