I smell stomach acid.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize