Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
