I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
