So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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