wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
