soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
A bitchslap is in order.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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