i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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