What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
