Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
