I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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