he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
