is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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