Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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