God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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