I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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