omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize