Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
