I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
