omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
