I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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