I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just cropdusted the office
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
