okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
