i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize