I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
