You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
