Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
not ubering you a puppy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
