My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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