There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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