checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
